Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Solitude and Plans with myself

Because most people see me as a social animal, they don't get that under that exterior, resides a person who is RESENTFUL of people's intrusions into solitude.

When people see me, it is because I have put on the skin of a social animal. Yes, the skin fits nicely, can be snug in some places but yes, it is awfully comfortable. But it IS a skin. And because it's a skin, I REALLY look forward to when I can be alone.

But resignedidealist, you say, you're living with your lover. When are you ever alone? The answer to that question is, of course, when she goes away. Solitude, to people like us, is a commodity. It is ultra precious, when we are in a relationship because the very nature of a relationship means less solitude.

Why is this coming up now? Cause my girl is going away this weekend, and my best friend wants to visit. ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Talk about being caught in the middle. First of all, my best friend is the antithesis of a solitary person. He wants company to go to the 7-11. (BTW, my girl is the same way... now you see why solitude is so friggin' precious to me?) Therefore, because he is like this, he has absolutely no comprehension of my giddiness over being alone. To him, his husband going away would be a week of boredom, a week of listlessness, a week of stir-craziness.

To me, a week without my lover means, Hawaiian Barbeque, or Ducks in the Window food, or anything else I like to eat that she doesn't. (FYI, her trips home indicate the same thing for her: she loads up on mushrooms and other ugh food). To me, it means a week of making sure there's always pepsi's in the fridge, and cigarettes by the bed cause she's not here to remind me. So, by the time I get to my computer, or game or movie, I KNOW that there's nothing else to remember for the night and that I can really, actually relax and drive all thoughts of reality out of my brain. (I do have this to say tho, my girl tries to help me out in this whenever she can - it's just when your lover says she's hungry, it's harder to ignore than your own tummy. At least that's always been the case for me)

I think solitude holds so much value to me because I am somebody who is more in tune with other people's unhappiness than my own. And because of this, I am very aware of my efforts to ease other people's ways. And since I don't ease my own way, it's only during the solitude days that I get to do everything just for me.

Honestly, I think that's very much how I fell into being a hermit for about 4 years. I discovered the joys of not having to cater to anyone else. And the relief of that gave me the impetus not to get in touch with anyone for that long.

Filed under Bloodsport, err Relatives and Reveries & Paranoias.


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