Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Family Visits....

bother me like you wouldn't believe.

For the whole week before I visit my family, I am a nervous wreck, dealing with the runs, an upset tummy, usually two or three headaches and general irritability. Why, you ask?

I'm kind of trying to figure it out myself. I have fun with the two little ones, and sometimes, I have fun with my sister and my mother. But that's sometimes and more often it's rare that I have fun. My sister and my mother both have this way of talking (which I inherited too but I'm desperately trying to change) that totally is demeaning to the other person. I spend most of my time there being out of body.

I think part of my problem is, I become a totally different person when I'm around them, and that's just hard work. I am more considerate, more conscious of other beings, more polite, more Chinese. You know what the bummer is? It still isn't enough. Though I am more, I am less. I can never measure up because they do want mind-readers and I just am unable to do that.

So instead, the week before I show up, I gear myself to feel bad, bad about who I am, who I turned out to be, who they want me to be but am not. Now how the hell can you look forward to that?

I know what you're asking. You're asking why I don't show up as me. You see, I can take criticisms of someone who isn't me. If I show up as someone who I am pretending to be, then all their criticisms just isn't true. But if I show up as me, and I still come up short, well, I'm not sure I can take that.

But it's getting harder and harder as I get older to dress up as someone else. When I go home, and be with my honey, and we giggle and laugh and enjoy each other, I end up not wanting to give that up, not even for a weekend.

I have no wish to dishonor them, nor to ignore them. But I see no way that they could ever take me for who I am (no matter what my sister says) so why, why would I invite that attitude into my life? If I let them in, all I get for my troubles are criticisms. Unfortunately, they have no realization that this is how I see them. My sister and mother have been voices of authority; of admonishments; of should'ves, would'ves, could'ves; of anger and of occasional mirth; but neither of them have EVER been voices of support, acceptance or respect - the three things I yearn for.

My tummy hurts.

Filed under Bloodsport, err Relatives.


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