Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Marriage Vows

My other asked the other day if I would marry her. I was hesitant having just gone through a major roadblock with her and said that I'd say yes after 5 years of being together.

Well, she wasn't happy with this response. She wanted a definite answer. The reason? She wanted to be able to relax in the relationship. She wanted to know, no matter how angry I got, I wouldn't kick her out.

Today, we had a minor disagreement. She's still upset though she won't admit it. Her whole attitude (tai doh) towards me is stiff, unresponsive, monosyllabic.

I started to think about what it meant to be committed. To her, that mean security. She could relax knowing that she had a roof over her head still. To me, coming from an abusive parent that I was bound to, this guarantee meant that no matter what abuse was heaped upon me, or that I could heap upon someone else, this person or I could not escape.

This morning, I got upset cause I "felt" she wasn't paying enough attention to my wants. My morning shower is very important to me. I can spend a half hour in there easy, being pounded by the water. (My building has great water pressure). Well, we bought a shower head that split into two and the one designated as mine, had little pressure. It was like being dripped on, one drop at a time. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but compared to the force gale I was used to, it was a wimpy thing.

I voiced what I felt (which is a big deal for me since I felt this was "her" thing) and got an "mmm, okay." Her attention seemed diverted. Later, as we're driving to get her breakfast, my mood gets steadily worse. She's chittering on about getting this and that for this person, getting this and that for that person... and I'm getting madder.

I finally tell her what's going on, and she tells me, "fine, go get it!" And that's when I explode. I told her, it's the same argument over and over again. I am not feeling like I'm part of her life. She's part of mine, but I don't feel part of hers. I explain that when I tell her about my wants, I feel like I have to go out and get it myself, but if it's her wants, I go help her get it.

I think she's in a bad mood. I think she's been unhappy for quite a few days. But how... how can I express what my wants/desires are, and feel that my wants/desires are factored into what WE are doing, and yet find out what's at the bottom of her unhappiness?

I've a nasty feeling that her unhappiness is due to an unwanted adjustment to body shifts. I guess I just have to be firm in voicing what my needs/desires are, try and be supportive, help her adjust all without reverting to abusive behavior that I'm so used to.

Who said growing up was nice and easy?

Filed under Bloodsport, err Relatives.


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