Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Revving at a higher RPM

So, my partner tells me this about myself - that I *HAVE* to have something to worry and fret about, otherwise I'm uncomfortable. I guess it's that syndrome of waiting for the other shoe to drop... and I'm told it's a common syndrome of abusal.

Now, mind you. I'm not saying that I was beaten up as a child, at least physically. Emotionally, I was akin to a captive, totally and utterly dependant on a woman (as I can see now in hindsight) suffering from a dependence on a cheater. I was this woman's scratching post, guilt, hopes, dreams, etc.

Hindsight is a lens I longed for, and yet now that I have it, I'm finding it distorts the images of the past, casting incredulity upon past and present interpretations. I'm finding I don't trust my memories anymore.

This scares me. I am a person who relies on my mind so much more than any other part of my body. All I am, is defined by my recollections, my interpretations and my reactions. If my memory (as defined by me) is incorrect, then what about me?

Anyway, this wasn't what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about Revvin'.

My partner had just called up, and finding me all revved up, asked what I was stressed about. Basically, the only I really am stressed about is work. It's piling up on me, through no real fault of mine, and I'm struggling to keep control over it.

As a result, I can feel myself revving at a much higher speed. Maybe it's the caffeine... but I doubt it. When I stress like this, I sit still, and yet can feel my molecules vibrating at a higher frequency than usual. I hate this feeling. I know, cut out the caffeine and it might help.

Does anyone else out there feel yourself buzzing at a higher frequency?

Filed under Bloodsport, err Relatives and Reveries & Paranoias.


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