Sadness and Inevitibility

I don't get nightmares about losing my teeth anymore. Instead, when my brain needs to let off steam and tell my conscious that I'm feeling out of control, I get earthquake dreams now. I used to get dreams about biting into something and having a tooth break off, or having to face people with a bloody mouth. I'd wake with a shudder, the shakes, and a feeling of extreme sadness. The earthquake dreams have replaced those.

Why? Cause my teeth are rotting in real life. I feel so bad for my lover who has to witness and bear this. She, the young'un, didn't ask for this. Right now, all our wants and desires are put off cause of my teeth, cause I had an evil dentist as a youth (think Steve Martin), cause I drink Pepsi by the case, cause I don't brush or floss my teeth as often as I should, and cause I throw up every two or three mornings (my allergies cause my nose to run and my stomach can no longer tolerate snot.)

I woke up sobbing this morning, feeling out of control. I didn't like the assistant my dentist hired. For some insane reason, this perfect looking (as in doll/mannequin) asian american with the big eyes and small mouth, makes me want to smash her perfect teeth in when she speaks. I haven't seen myself jump to the defensive as quickly as I did with her. I still haven't figured out what set me off.

I'm mad that we didn't take care of this sooner, I'm mad that I have to deal with this today. I'm mad that I've had to yank 3 teeth out of my mouth, I'm mad that dentistal (I know this isn't a word) advances have been sufficient enough that I can just go in, yank them all out, and replace them. I'm mad that I haven't really eaten for a week now cause they hurt when I eat.

This isn't a lecture to tell you to floss or brush your teeth. Hell, I don't give a shit if you decide to drink acid just to have pretty pockmarks in your teeth. This is just me, saying... I don't wanna go! But dragging my ass there anyway.

Maybe Bush's speech will take my mind off this.

Filed under Reveries & Paranoias.