Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Alluring Images

In a way, it's incredible. I mean, part of me is fascinated by what's going on with my body. I'm watching this and as I'm going through the withdrawal, I'm detailing what's going on.

Like, here's what just happened.

I turned on the WoW program... and just as the screen popped up to ask for the login name, my arm tensed to move and I stopped it. I realized the automatic behavior set in; my arm was reaching for a cigarette.

That's not's what's fascinating.

What's fascinating was that as soon as I stopped myself from reaching (as my rational mind said to the arm, Out of cigarettes) the images started. I closed my eyes for a second, and there it was, that wisp of smoke drifting past, me moving my head slightly to avoid the acridness in my nostrils. I could see it so clearly. In my mind, I moved my arm to wave away the image and in doing so, the image morphed into one of my arm reaching for the cigarette.

stop it I tell myself.

I am lost in the moment... I can taste the tobacco on my tongue. I can smell the acridic smoke. I can sense my lips curling around the filter. I can feel the smoke zip down my esophagus with the result of me coughing. I tense for a second, expecting that nice magical moment of the first drag, the resulting relaxing of muscles. Strange, never realized it before this, but the relaxation that comes from the first drag is so strong, that often I'd tense up to heighten the juxtaposition.

But the magical moment doesn't come. The tension in me stays screeching in its intensity, a single unwavering note. I open my eyes, and force relaxation.

The juxtaposition isn't as pronounced, but I do relax. With deliberateness, I walk up to the door that houses these images, and I slam it shut.

No more, I say to myself. A smoker no more. I cannot bear to say the words non-smoker used on myself. For I am a smoker. Just not any more.

For now, the images has lost its intensity and I can breathe once again with ease. But it's simply amazing the allure of the images can be so visceral, so demanding.

The war is done. I'm just dealing with the war trauma.

Filed under Reveries & Paranoias.


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