Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Anger Management

I see red when I get angry. I start holding in my breath; from my chest up, I feel a build-up of energy that drives my being into vibrating at a high intense frequency. Sometimes, when facing reason, I feel like an exhaust pipe gets shoved into me, and the energy is released safely.

However, more often than not, when faced with reason, my own reason takes over my emotions and what happens is I guess what shrinks call suppression. My brain takes over; the crisis is abated. But that energy is still within me, looking for a way out.

A lot of times, that energy doesn't dissapate like it's supposed to, instead, it germinates within my being, just waiting for that next opportunity to raise its head. And it feels awful. And I don't know how to stop.

Why am I talking about this? Cause lately, I find that my temper is getting shorter and I'm exploding more, and often with little cause. See, I lost my temper today with my girl. Apparently, it's due to a computer glitch. She accidentally shut her computer off at what was a not-so-satisfying end to our tiff. (She claims it wasn't an argument so I'm calling it a tiff here.) Since it wasn't satisfying, I hadn't felt that the conversation ended so feeling cut off, I lost it. I seriously lost it.

Right now, I'm feeling a tad foolish for having lost it. I'm feeling peevish cause I did lose it. AND I'm feeling angry that my previous anger wasn't fully justified so all this rage is still simmering inside me with no outlet. I'm hoping writing about it will abate it some.

This is why I won't allow real guns near me. I have a trigger temper and when I do lose it, all reason gets drowned out by the rush of emotion in my ears. I've looked back upon countless times where had a gun been nearby, I'm pretty sure the thought WILL cross my mind to use it. And I'm pretty sure I have NO clue as to whether I would actually use it. How scary is that?

I'm a pacifist at heart. I believe that with reason and compromise, all people can reach a modicum of happiness. (yes, those of you who've seen me happily snipe someone's head off in GTA games will attest to another side of me, but unlike our current president, I KNOW the difference between fantasy and reality) I know if I ever ever caused anyone's death, the guilt itself will literally drive me crazy. Yet, I DON'T know whether I have the self-control not to pull a trigger if a gun was handy right around the time I lost my temper. This is why I believe in gun control.

But I digress. I'm really worried about my temper. There's really little reason for me to be losing it so often and so violently. The only thing I can come up with is I'm trying to quit smoking. While I haven't quit yet, the reduced nicotine intake in me might be fucking around with my system enough. I really don't like losing my temper so much. I see myself becoming my mother... and I don't wish that upon anyone. Anyway, maybe now, I can go home and embrace my girl fully, sincerely, and with absolutely no resentment whatsoever.

Filed under Reveries & Paranoias and Filed under Bloodsport, err Relatives.


At 4:55 PM, Blogger bratworse said...

Once upon a time in a land not so far away, but as far away as Ohio can be considered, there lived a woman, mother of fourteen children, fulltime worker, and thankfully married. At the time this story is to take place, she is extremely angry... So angry all she sees is red, or so that's what she'll tell the ones who'll ask "why?" The first child to make it home, opens the front door, ready to shout "MOM!!! so and so keeps touching me..." or some thing similar, but instead is so moved or frightened by what she finds, she creeps silently to her room, the rest of the children, follow the same que as soon as they enter the house. When her husband arrives home, he looks around the house and starts laughing, and luckily for him, she starts laughing with him. For the entire house fridgerator and all was painted, however sloppily, RED!!!!!!! try painting!


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