Friday, May 13, 2005

PMS & Paranoia

It's a dreary day today... and my mood reflects it.

I woke up in a bad mood, cause I have certain expectations and hate it when my body rebels. Lately, I've taken to sleeping at 11:30 pm. Anyone who has known me for a little while knows that I do NOT like to sleep before midnight. Anytime before midnight is wasted time. Actually 3 years ago, it was before 3 am.

So this morning, I woke up, glanced at my watch and saw 7:00. Immediately my mood turned dark. I am NOT supposed to wake up before 10, naturally. I slipped back into sleep and woke again at 7:35... and promptly realized the alarm had been turned off.

I jabbed her in the back and announced in a loud, grouchy voice, "Who turned off the alarm?"

Well, as ANYONE knows, when there's only two of you, and one asks that question, it is no longer a question, but an accusation. Needless to say, she didn't wake up in a good mood either.

*Okay, as an aside here. Why do we say needless to say, and then promptly say it?*

So as a result, I didn't get my morning snuggle. I count on that morning snuggle. That snuggle puts me in a much better mood, ready to face the world. When I don't get that snuggle, my whole world becomes one inhabited by paranoia.

Which is where I am right now. See, she's had a headache for over a week now. I think it's her head telling her to get away from me. That I'm pissing her off, that I'm bugging her, that I'm too much for her.

I know logically that this has really very little to do with her.

I know logically that this has everything to do with my childhood.

See, I used to be very sick as a child. And I'd get too much to handle. I mean, I would throw up the whole day long, then at night wouldn't be able to breathe, for weeks on end. And my mother? I was always so afraid that she'd leave me. Cause that's what she threatened to do... "Gum mah fan! Meen goh haang tsoh ah. Yu goh moh ngoh, ney deem baan ah?"

Translated, it means "So troublesome! Who'd want this? If you didn't have me, what would you do?"

Most of the time, it was said in a decent tone, but there were exasperated times, when she said it to make herself feel better about the martyrdom of it all. And those times, when her fears and her frustrations spilled out, I was petrified of being abandoned.

So now, whenever she pulls the silent treatment out, or she's been exasperated with me cause of my bad moods, I get panicked. I hear myself saying to myself, "Of course she's going to leave you. You're so troublesome. Who'd want to be with you." And then I brace myself for the abandonment. I'm all tense and jumpy, which only exarcerbates the situation.

As I write this, I realize I'm only confirming this in my own head. Seriously, who'd want to deal with all this? I don't understand why she stays. I wouldn't want to put up with all this myself, how could I expect her to?

I also know that since I'm on the verge of my period, that this is part of PMS.

That knowledge, however, does little to assuage my panic.

So, I just keep telling myself, I survived before she was in my life, and I will survive after. And I brace for the day, she announces to me that she's outgrown me, that I'm too immature for her, that I don't make her happy enough to counter the times I make her unhappy, that ... she doesn't love me enough to stay with me anymore.

I hope that day never happens. But I think I'm expecting it to.

Filed under Reveries & Paranoias.


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